Monday, July 31, 2017

Dating with a Chronic Illness

Dating is hard. I didn't date in middle school, or high school, or even in university for that matter. I always struggled with making meaningful relationships with guys.

I was very insecure while I was in school, to the point that even friends and family didn't know about my health struggles. I kept everything a secret, because I was so petrified of being judged and/or ostracized. I struggled to keep friendships going, none the less a romantic relationship.  

I always felt like I was not worthy of love or belonging because of my genetic condition. I never understood why someone would choose to be with me, because that would mean they were also choosing to be with my genetic condition. I tend to be a very forward thinker, and would always think things like "Well, what happens if in the very very far future I get sick? What happens if tumours start growing everywhere? What happens if we get married in the future and want kids and this darn thing gets passed along?" -- I mean, I think WAY too much. 

I didn't have my first serious relationship until I was 22. I was pleasantly surprised that dating was not as hard as I thought. Being with him is easy. I've never had a moment where I felt like he is/was judging me. Many people have asked me when I knew it was the "right time" to tell him about my genetic condition, but the thing is he knew all about it before we even started dating. I don't even think there is such thing as certain time when you need to tell someone something serious about yourself... just do it when you're ready! 

I remember sitting down with him one day and having this conversations:

Me -- "Does the future ever scare you? Like do you ever think about something serious happening to my health?" 

Him -- "Not at all. All I think about is that I have you here, and that right now everything is okay. We'll deal with whatever is coming when it comes."

I think the biggest thing that I've learned about dating and falling in love is that regardless if you have a chronic health condition or not, it's scary. It's scary to be open, and vulnerable. It's scary to share your secrets, and fears, and your past. It. Is. Never. Easy. 

So my friends, if you've struggled finding a relationship I am going to offer you a few pieces of advice that have worked for me:

1. Pick someone who will sit with you through appointments to support you even if they are running hours behind and the waiting room is hot and stuffy.

2. Pick someone who is willing to learn about your condition/needs and ask questions.

3. Pick someone who although  may not understand the physical or emotional pain you're going through, will be there to support you and will always try to understand.

Although this is not a fool proof guide to dating, I am hoping it provides some guidance for those of you looking for the love of your life. Trust me, it's possible to find someone amazing who will love you despite the "flaws" you may have. People aren't as crappy as you think they are.

Just remember, " You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging." - Brene Brown

- Court