Monday, June 26, 2017

Dearest Herman, I Despise You

I hate you Herman. Yes, you heard me... I. Hate. You. Herman. 

For those of you who don't know, Herman is my hypothalamic/pituitary brain tumour. He was discovered when I was 13, and going for a "routine" MRI scan. I remember being told that I had an inoperable brain tumour, and that if it was growing, there was likely nothing that they could do for me. That's kinda stressful, especially for a 13 year old.

Over the years, Herman has caused me an incredible amount of grief. I was diagnosed with hypopituitarism, and growth hormone deficiency when I was 16 years old, which means that my body doesn't make enough hormones. I remember having to start growth hormones, and inject myself 6 days a week. Going for hormonal stress tests where I got injected with insulin to try and purposely drop my blood sugar levels to see if my body would appropriately respond. Spending countless afternoons at the Stollery Children's Hospital and having to miss school... That, was all thanks to Herman.

Initially, I had to go for MRI scans every 6 months, to see if that little pest was growing. We didn't know how long he had been there for, since the MRI I had at 13 was the first one I ever had. We don't know if I was born with it, or if starting growing when I was 5, 6 or 7 years old. After the first few scans, it looked like he wasn't growing at all, and we moved the scans to once every year. He remained stable. Actually, he shrunk over the course of the first year without being scanned all the time. It stumped doctors, to how a brain tumour could shrink without intervention. I had spent so much time being a "medical mystery" in a negative connotation, that I was more than thrilled to be an anomaly in this sense.

Once those scan remained stable, they moved them to every two years. And again, I was met with great apprehension. However, Herman and all his weirdness, continued to stump medical professionals and he shrunk.

You know, although I have been scanned more times than I can count, I absolutely HATE MRI days. I hate the anxiety, the worry, and the stress that accompanies it. I hate laying in the scanner thinking about the worst case scenario (lets face it, I'm a nurse and know way too much for my own good about some of this medical stuff). I hate wondering if why I've been so forgetful is because of a new brain tumour, or the reason behind me having mood swings is because Herman is growing (he's in hormone palooza of my brain) . I hate sitting in my doctors office for my follow up visit, because I know that there is always a chance of receiving some very unwelcoming news. I hate that I even have to worry about this in the first place.

But, these are the cards that I have been dealt. I've learned over the years that I am indeed strong enough to deal with this. I have the perfect support system behind me. I have incredible physicians on my team. I can, and I will deal with this.

There are days where I don't want to deal. There are days I would do anything to rid myself of this condition. There are days I feel so blessed to have NF because it has allowed me to meet some pretty incredible people.

I promise, as always my friends to keep you updated. Once I have my MRI results in my hot, greedy little hands I promise to share results with you.

- Court

PS: FUN NF FACT OF THE DAY -- less than 1% of people with NF will have a brain tumour in a location other than on the optic nerve... guess I'm a rarity then eh?


  1. I've got my fingers crossed for a good MRI result.

  2. Despite Herman shrinking, he certainly has a mind of his own and could grow or shrink again as time passes. Count each day as a blessing because there are good folks who have passed with blood clots or other illnesses that went undetected. You already know the deal, and value each day knowing tomorrow may or may not be the last.

    Kacey @ Glendale MRI